Maddison's Musings

Photo by Ash Hayes on Unsplash

If you scroll back far enough, you might find traces of my high school dream of becoming a journalist. However, one introductory journalism class in my first semester of college had me dropping journalism and running to the English department. What do you mean I had to interview people? Me? Talking to strangers? My anxiety screamed and fled and refused to let me breathe for so long until I realized that this blog could have a journalistic aspect while also staying true to my random mumblings and ramblings. 

I've been wanting to write so many different posts lately, but so many of them lie half-written in my drafts. Sometimes it feels like the state of the world is so awful and so dystopian that none of my silly thoughts should reach the light of day. Who cares about my thoughts on the Percy Jackson TV show when there is an active genocide happening in Palestine right now? Why would I post a book review of the last book I read when we live in a capitalistic hellscape where workers can hardly afford food or rent or some of life's basic necessities? Why would I talk about my job as a Starbucks barista when the company has been under fire for union-busting and illegal actions for years? No matter what I wanted to talk about, I found myself hitting save and logging out. While yes, this blog is simply a way for me to get my thoughts out and has never been about making money and getting famous, there's also a part of me that feels shame for finding little moments of joy amongst the constant horrors of existence. So I guess this is a small post to say that yes, there is a lot of shit going on in the world and a lot of it is bad. But there's still hope left. We keep going. We rally together and we demand change. We protest, we call for a permanent ceasefire, we share awareness for everything going on in the world, and we try not to let it consume us.

I've been working closely with union organizers the last few weeks, and whenever I ask "But what if the company doesn't bargain in good faith?" or "What's the point of fighting so hard for a union if the company can get away with treating the workers so poorly with seemingly little repercussion?" or any slew of "what if" questions, the organizer I'm working with reminds me that we have to have hope. As union organizers, and as people, we have to have hope that things can change for the better. Even when all hope seems lost, we have to cling to the last little burst of light to keep going. I think that relates to the human existence as a whole. Yes, things can be terrible and sometimes it can feel like things might never get better, but you just have to hope that things can get better. Throughout our union campaign, Starbucks Workers United loves using the saying "direct action gets the goods." It's one of the main slogans for the campaign, and it can relate to many different aspects of existence. Direct action gets the goods. Working together can enable change.

While the world may seem terrifying and bad news seems all-consuming, there is still hope that things can change. There are so many resources out there to take action against the genocide happening in Palestine. I've been using https://uscpr.org/resources/ to gain information and I've used https://uscpr.org/take-action/ to find ways to take action. There are so many email templates to send to your representative without any effort, including https://act.uscpr.org/a/%20stop-funding-israels-massacres.

Starbucks Workers United posted today, February 27th, that Starbucks has finally agreed to begin discussions on a framework to achieve collective bargaining with unionized stores. It is no coincidence that this is taking place not even two weeks after 21 stores filed to join the union in the largest filing surge in SBWU history. Similarly, in the wake of Aaron Bushnell self-immolating in an extreme act of protest against the genocide in Palestine on February 25th, people are talking and sharing information and remembering Bushnell, who sacrificed his life for a cause he deeply believed in. I believe that the tide is changing. People can no longer stay complicit to the issues the world is facing. Things may seem bleak and terrifying, but together, we can rise up. We can demand change. We can work together to make sure the millions of displaced people in Gaza have a free homeland to look forward to. We can ensure that workers have the legal right to organize without retaliation. 2024 is the year of change.

A giant step forward made possible by thousands and thousands of us joining together and speaking out…

🚨THIS IS HUGE.🚨 pic.twitter.com/zZZ57Am0Bm

— Starbucks Workers United (@SBWorkersUnited) February 27, 2024

This is why he did it in uniform as an active member of the United States military. This is why he emailed reporters. This is why he livestreamed it. This is why he yelled “Free Palestine” as flames engulfed him. To make it impossible for the media and the US to ignore. https://t.co/2neYYpIAIF

— nope. (@dangitbird) February 26, 2024

I stopped doing New Year’s goals and resolutions this year and instead, I’m trying to focus on resetting. I know a lot of people see the new year as a time to reset, set goals and/or resolutions, and become the best version of themselves. I see the merit. But for 2024, I don’t want to overwhelm myself with change right off the bat. In years past, I’ve made lengthy to-do lists, bucket lists, and goals for the new year, and I haven’t made a single list like that so far. I want to work on self-compassion and I want to make sure I am living for me and doing things that bring me joy. Other than that, I just want to see where this year takes me. And part of that fluid mindset involves this very blog.

As of last August, I’ve had this blog for a decade now. What started out as a small place to talk to myself as I started high school has now become my own little online journal. In the last decade, I have changed so much, but my ability to yap to myself online has remained constant. I rarely go through all of the posts that I’ve archived here over the last ten years, but I know that I have covered so many different topics while trying to find my “niche” as the fancy bloggers call it. I shared life updates, I posted tips for surviving high school and college, I tried to post mental health resources while I was struggling, I posted think pieces about coming out and living authentically, I’ve posted TV reviews and travel prices and book reviews. The point is, I’ve done a lot with this blog over the last decade and I have loved doing it. I stopped posting consistently when I started working after college and I got hit by the reality of adulthood. I’ve tried to change things up, make a profit, and force myself to type something out, pretending I had a loyal fan base to update. But I think that part of this new year I’m trying to embrace doing things because I love it and because I feel like doing it--not because it is a chore or something I have to do.

And one thing I have loved throughout my life has been reading and writing. I had a goal for 2023 to review every book I read on storygraph and I’m pretty sure I wrote a review for at least 15 books last year. I wanted to publish longer reviews here, but I didn’t have time or I never had deep insight into what I was reading. I won’t lie, I read a lot of really gay romance novels last year. Nothing wrong with that, but for most of the books I was reading, I was reading it for fun. To escape the world. I wasn’t looking for great books that I was going to reread over and over. I just wanted to read as many queer books as possible. And I did. But as we are finishing up the first week of 2024 and I am coming off a three-week leave of absence from work, I just want to write about books. In a surprising turn of events, taking a break from work improved my mental health so much that I have regained a small amount of creativity that I had just assumed was gone forever. So this year, I want to make an effort to write more. I had pretty much given up on writing over the last few years as I lost all motivation and seemingly all of the creativity in my body. But I’m getting it back. I never expect this blog to get popular or to actually make any money from the ads on here, but I think that’s the freeing part of this revitalization. This gives me a space to talk about the books I love without the pressure of people actually seeing it. If they see it, cool, but I’m not expecting it. I hope it inspires me to write more, even if it is just a rambling brain dump like this. If you see this post and have read this far, then I actually published it and didn’t just keep it in my drafts forever like the last three posts I’ve tried writing before I abandoned them. 2024 is a reset year for me and I’m excited to see what happens. Maybe I’ll look back on this post fondly in another decade, maybe I won’t. But I’m having fun for now and that’s all that really matters

~Maddison

Currently reading: The Hundred Years' War on Palestine by Rashid Khalidi

Currently lsitening to as I type this: Broken Skin (Outlines) by Thomston

Currently watching: Grey's Anatomy (My fiancee got me hooked-- I think we're on season 12) and Percy Jackson

Hi friends. I’m currently battling a case of the hiccups, but I left my emotional support water bottle on my nightstand and Megan is still asleep so I don’t want to wake her up. I will power through. I realize I can just get up and get a cup of water from the kitchen, but that seems too easy and I apparently like making things harder than they need to be. Oh well. I’ll survive. Our new kitten is also attacking his older sister even though she is at least three times his size. I’ll give him points for persistence, but not for brain cells.

We got Mr. Shrimp Scampi a few weeks ago when he was just six weeks old. Megan’s coworker noticed that a stray cat had kittens near their office building and Shrimp was the only one they managed to catch. At first, I said no when Megan asked about him. At the time, he was four weeks old and I had absolutely no idea how to care for a kitten so small. Fast forward two weeks and Megan sent me an updated picture of the lil guy, and suddenly I didn’t care that he was only six weeks old. In my defense, just look at him.

We brought him home and kept him in the bathroom quarantined away from Mac and Cheese (our older cats) for a week and a half or so. We tried to ease the introduction between the three cats, but there’s only so long you can go when you have a little gremlin attacking you (with love) every time you enter the bathroom. I had so many scratches on my legs that first week because he would try to climb me like a tree and would claw through me. So like any millennial/gen-z (still have no idea where the ‘98 babies fall in that category) pet parent, we bought Shrimp a tent so he could socialize with Mac and Cheese without getting the shit beaten out of him (although that doesn’t seem to stop him even now).  

        

During the first few days we had him, we also noticed that he had fleas. Trying to give a six-week-old kitten a bath was nearly my 13th reason. He was crying, I was crying, it was a mess. Thankfully, a dawn dish soap bath and a flea comb killed the nasty little bugs. There is something so creepy about holding your new kitten and seeing lil bugs crawling on him. It grossed me out, but it was kind of fun combing them out and putting them in soapy water to die.

We took him to the vet last week and they said he was just over 2 pounds and around 2 months/8 weeks old like we thought. They gave him some dewormer and shots and told us to come back in three weeks for his next round of shots. It’s been a week since the vet, and this man is so full of energy. I didn’t realize just how much energy kittens have since I’m used to having older, sleepier cats. Shrimp has two modes: attacking gremlin or sleeping angel.

       

Apart from raising a kitten, I’ve also finally started my balcony garden! I still have no idea what I’m doing and the fact that all of the plant identifying/care apps are behind a paywall is absolutely homophobic. But I started with plant starters that I bought at home depot, and so far, they all seem to still be alive. I also got a tomato plant from one of my coworkers, and she’s thriving and so tall. I need to figure out how to get a tomato cage or something for her. Do people name their plants? I have not named any of mine, but I do think they’re all women. The only plant I’ve for sure killed is a little mint cutting. I went to water everything yesterday and it was just a shriveled-up black stem with two crispy mint leaves hanging on for dear life. I will say that I am impatiently waiting for something to actually grow so I can harvest it already. I have a little lavender plant with three or four purple buds, but so far I can’t see any veggies growing. Gardening is still definitely way easier in Stardew Valley, but I always dreamed of having a garden of some sort, and at least now I can start working on that dream. Everyone, please manifest that I can harvest at least one tomato this year. And maybe a cucumber if my cucumber plant survives.

Work is still work. I’ve had some of the worst shifts of my life the last few weeks, but things are finally starting to look up again. To ensure that I don’t quit and walk out, I’ve started reviewing drinks on my Instagram stories for fun. I have entered my #Influencer #Era. Not really. It’s mostly silly and a way to try new drinks, but so many people have told me they love the videos, and my love language is words of affirmation so I’ll ride this high while it’s still fun. If you have a go-to drink you get at Starbucks, leave a comment and I’ll try to include it in my lil review series. If you want to watch along, make sure to follow my Instagram here.

I’m going back to Seattle in a few weeks, and I’m sure I’ll have plenty of thoughts to share about that when the time comes. I’m nervous to go back, but mostly I’m excited to finally return to my favorite city. And this time, I can show Megan around the city since she’s coming for a few days for my grandfather’s memorial. Maybe I’ll do an updated post about things to see in Seattle. Or a “what I packed for ten days in Washington” type post. So many options, such a mystery level of motivation. 

I’ve rambled long enough, so I’ll end today’s post here. I know like two minutes passed for you while you were reading this, but it has been at least three hours since I started writing (I get distracted easily) and I think you’ll be happy to know that my hiccups did in fact go away. I think it will be fun to add what I’m currently reading/watching/listening to each post as a small time capsule, so I’ll start that today. I hope you’re doing well.

Currently reading: The Dos and Donuts of Love by Adiba Jaigirdar

Currently (re)watching: White Collar and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody

Currently listening to: Speak Now (Taylor’s Version)

~Maddison

Hi friends. It's been a while, huh. I could give any number of excuses for why I haven't written anything in months, but honestly, life got me. For a while. I lost interest in blogging my silly little thoughts to the world. I've had this blog for nearly 10 years now, and I thought I had exhausted every thought I had. Also, I tried moving my blog around a few times and I lost every post but two from 2021-2022 so I figured I should quit while I'm ahead and just retire this blog and never post again, but as I was moving hosting sites and trying to import and save the years of content on here, I realized that this little part of the internet is special to me. I started this blog right before my freshman year of high school and it's seen me through high school, college, moving across the country multiple times, corona, grad school, and so many moments of self-discovery. So, although a few posts are missing from the last two years, I can't just give up on this site. I don't need to pressure myself to post consistently or make things super aesthetic and Pinterest-worthy to keep up this little online journal. Sometimes I just need a place to type out my thoughts, even if nobody else in the world will see them. I want to get back to the real reason I started blogging in the first place: to share my thoughts in my own little corner of the internet and to have fun. To motivate me to write about anything and everything. To pretend to be deep and philosophical as I muse about my life. Or even just to talk about books I really like. I don't have a solid plan for what the future of the blog looks like. I just want to go with the flow.

All that being said, let's have a small little life update for the last few years. I got a shortened version of my senior thesis on lesbian young adult literature published in an Intro to LGBTQ+ Studies textbook (which can be read for free online here if you would like to check that out (I'm the second profile)). Last October, I finally got out of Texas and moved into an apartment in Pennsylvania with my partner (then girlfriend, now fiancée(!!)). I shipped 25 boxes of belongings, shipped my car, and arrived in PA with two suitcases and a backpack. Thankfully, transferring jobs was easy, so I still work at Starbucks, and I became an official Coffee Master back in March. I was in grad school for a while. I thought about becoming a teacher, but I didn't vibe with my first early elementary program, and I dropped out before I switched to a secondary English program. I figured my general appreciation for school would translate into a life of teaching, but then I realized just how much work teaching is, and it wasn't something I was passionate enough about to pursue. Also, the thought of being a public school teacher in America is quite honestly terrifying, so I'd rather take my chances just vibing in this world without knowing what I'm supposed to do while I'm here. It's a bit existential, but I think that's just part of being alive. I enjoy being a silly little gay barista for now, so that's what I'm going to do.

The last month threw so many curveballs my way that the only way I know how to talk about it is to just say everything at once. I proposed to my partner, and we picked out our own engagement rings and I love her so much it's insane. I was impatient and ended up proposing with a ring I bought for her years ago the night that we decided to buy our rings for each other. We told our friends about our engagement the day her actual ring arrived. 

The joy of our engagement was quickly overshadowed by the passing of my grandfather the next morning. My mom called me that morning and somehow, I just knew before she even had to tell me. It's weird when your parent has to call you to tell you that their parent has died. I felt the need to comfort her in her loss although I had lost too. The thing is, I haven't had the best relationship with my grandfather in the last few years. And when I found out that he passed, I didn't really feel anything. It wasn't until my mom or my grandma said that he really loved me that I first broke because my first thought was "Are you sure?" I doubt you want to hear a long and at times traumatic backstory, but the long story short is simply that I did not grow up in a very queer-positive environment. My family was religious, and I was always terrified of coming out or letting anyone in, so I didn't. I pushed nearly every family member away as an act of self-protection. They couldn't reject me or hurt me if I rejected them first and didn't allow anyone in. I haven't visited my family in Seattle since 2019 because of this fear and also because of covid, but mostly out of fear. Everyone (I assume) knows I'm gay (it's hard to move across the country to live with your girlfriend without telling your grandma why you want to move to Pennsylvania of all places lol), and this year, after a lot of therapy and self-reflection, I finally felt like I was ready to return to Seattle and stop pushing everyone away. I booked my tickets back in April. My grandfather died three weeks later in May. 

It's been a lot to process, and some days the grief hits me harder than others, but for the most part, I'm doing alright. I've been writing a few things lately. Mostly just grief rambling like this as I try to process my thoughts and feelings. But I've had glimpses of creative strikes to bring me hope that maybe someday I can get back to creative writing, even if it's just for me and nobody else ever sees it. I'm hoping that reviving this blog pushes me to get back to a writing mindset, but I'm not trying to put any pressure on myself in case the inkling of creativity is shy and decides to abandon me if I push it too hard. Dropping out of grad school helped. I'm reading more and I'm trying to enjoy each day as it is. We'll see if this revival lasts. If you made it this far, know that you have all my love.

Talk to you soon (hopefully),

~Maddison

I have been a grad student for 18 days now and I have not died yet, so I’m counting that as a win. After two years of considering if I really wanted a second degree or if I just missed the validation I received from being a good student, I’ve finally gone back to school. My master’s program is all online and go at your own pace, so I only take one class at a time and I should finish each class in about five weeks or so.

As I try to find my groove with the work/school/life balance, I’ve found myself using any and every type of scheduling system. I have my bullet journal. I bought a planner. I use Google Calendar. And I’ve even tried to figure out how Notion works. Am I doing the most? Yeah, probably. But does it work? I don’t know, I’m figuring it out, okay.

Although Notion looks beautiful, I cannot figure out for the life of me how to get it to work. I duplicated this beautiful template that I found by googling “pretty notion templates for students” and it’s my favorite color so I pounced on it. I figured out how to get the weather to my location thanks to the tips from the creator and I linked to the focus music video I play on YouTube and Spotify’s peaceful piano playlist, and then I kind of left everything else. I tried making the calendar work for me, but I got annoyed since I already had everything on Google Calendar. So I just kind of left everything and mainly just use Notion as a pretty startup page at the moment.

At the end of the day, I always love having a physical copy of all of my plans. I usually use my bullet journal for this, but I bought a simple weekly planner the other month that I’ve been using just for school and work, and I’ve found that using that planner makes me use my bullet journal less. While I think that I will still keep my bullet journal, I feel like it will be better for me to use it to track personal things, such as my mood and what I did that day instead of using it to plan my life.

I think I thrive in orderly chaos. That’s what I’m going to call this system of doing the most to try to find some peace of mind: orderly chaos. I simply need a separate notebook/journal/planner for every little thing I do (as well as digital and physical options) otherwise my brain short circuits.

Since it has been two years since I graduated with my bachelor’s degree, I was trying to remember how I stayed organized when I was in undergrad. Thankfully, I’ve had this blog for long enough that I made that exact post back in 2018. While that system was great for keeping track of multiple classes, I’m still struggling with finding the perfect system for my current experience (all online, no set deadlines). I think that I’m just going to keep messing with it, and hopefully, I’ll find something that works. As of right now, I’m kind of just doing everything and seeing what works and what doesn’t.

If you’ve read this far then you have all of my love. I hope you’re doing well and staying safe.

~Maddison