Maddison's Musings

This is a really personal subject for me, but I need advice and I can only turn to the internet where hopefully I'll find someone who's dealing with the same struggles. If you have anything that can help, leave a comment below or chat to me on twitter/tumblr (@maddisonsimmons on both places, also in the drop-down menu above under the green heart).

I've been a worrier my whole life and a few years ago I was diagnosed with a pretty bad anxiety disorder. The hardest part is going to school. During my freshman year of high school I would wake up feeling sick and nauseous nearly every day. I missed so many days of school because I felt too anxious to get out of bed or I had to go a doctor's appointment for gastrointestinal tests. Eventually, it got less severe, and with medication and therapy I was able to overcome it last year, even in a new state. I was doing really well this year so far, until last week. I was sitting in class, doing absolutely nothing when I was overcome with intense waves of fear and nausea. I knew it was a panic attack, but I couldn't do anything about it- hell, I couldn't even ask my teacher if I could go to the restroom because I was too scared to get up and walk over. I quickly texted my mom, asking for her to call me out of school, frantically awaiting her response. By the time I made it to my next class, I knew I was going to vomit. But again, I was sitting in my desk overcome with fear and sweating because my teacher was trying to teach and I couldn't just get up and leave. Finally, I got released, and on my way to sign out of school I had to step into the bathroom and throw up. It was awful, and it's only gotten worse since then.

I missed two days of school last week, and every day this week I've felt scared and sick. Yesterday, I even spent an hour in the nurse's office trying to calm down. I hate this so much and I know that I can't miss school because if I miss class I'll be behind, but if I can't focus in class because of my nerves. then how is that helping anyone? Honestly, I'm really scared to go back to school tomorrow. I don't want to feel sick or nauseous anymore and I just keep thinking that I'll throw up again. It's especially worse on days when I have English, since that was the class that I threw up in and feel trapped in.

I have no idea what to do. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. Nothing has changed in the last few weeks and I just feel lost and scared. I talk to my mom about it, but I don't know, there's nothing I can really do. If anyone has suffered from the same thing, how do you cope? I've been googling it, but nothing's really helping. I'm sorry this is so emotional, but I have no clue how to fix this. I might delete this post after a while just because it's so personal, but while it's up, any help or advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

Also, I've tried deep breathing, but it only works sometimes. I'm also still taking my medication and have tried using peppermint essential oil on my wrists to help, but nothing seems to be working.

~Maddison