I'm currently listening to soft piano music and rain and I'm feeling a strange happy/sad combination of emotions. This Halloween didn't feel like Halloween at all, and I feel old as heck. I've also realized that I have a crush on a coworker and it's partially ruining my life because they are so adorable. Everything they do makes me smile, but I know nothing will happen since I'm not forward and we're both seasonal employees, so we'll be let go within the next few weeks, but for the time being I enjoy seeing him at work.
In the spirit of Halloween spookiness, I've decided to write about something that scares the shit out of me: my future. The thing is, I can picture every last warm and fluffy detail of how I want my life to go, generally, but I'm terrified of going and achieving it. My dream house isn't big, but a nice and cozy place with tons of windows and a nice view of a city (any city) and I want the furniture to be neutrals like white/beige, but I want pops of color everywhere- especially pastels. I want to have a pretty pastel painted piano with small flowers and succulents on it and I want my house to always smell like freshly baked cookies and coffee and I just wanna be content and warm and have that fluffy happy feeling. I want to be a travel journalist and hang my favorite printed stories that I wrote from my walls and I want to have pictures and memories from my travels everywhere, and I want an old typewriter on a desk with nothing else on it- just a typewriter, some paper, and a few colored pens. I want it to be a writing station and I want to hang my best articles above it, and maybe have one of my books on the desk too, who knows, but I want it to be a creative space where I can't be distracted. I want my future home to be a safe and warm place and I want my spouse and I to be in love and I want a few kiddos and grandchildren and I want to be the sweet old grandma with wrinkles and grey hair who's so sweet and cuddly and I can picture everything about this little fantasy so perfectly, but if you ask me about how my college applications are going, I'll just burst into tears because I have no idea what I'm doing. I've finished my application for my #1 school, and I don't know if I want to do any more because I know I'll get in to my number one since I qualify for automatic admission, but at the same time, I worry that it won't work somehow and I'll be rejected.
The thing about the future is that it's nice to dream about, but terrifying to get to the fantasy you've built in your head. I know my life won't be this perfect image that I have, and that scares me. I know there will be hardships, fights, deaths, complications, and all of the rocky parts that come with life, but I don't want to imagine any of that happening to me. The same thing applies with college. I have this idea in my mind of how I picture it, but I know it's not going to be perfect, and that scares me. I wish I could just crawl into my mind and live in the fantasy world, but I can't, and I'm stuck in the real world, and sometimes the real world isn't that pretty and warm. Sometimes the real world is cruel and vicious- the exact opposite of how I want to live my life.
I guess this is just a post about my fears about growing up. I turned 18 this past month, and I hate having the title of "adult." It's scary to me. I still see myself as a little kid, but I'm not. I'm a working woman and a full time student. I'm applying to colleges, dealing with my senior year of high school, working at my first part-time job, and still trying to remain a kid at heart while being mature enough to handle the stresses of life. There are some days where I just need to pause and cry, and that's okay. Life is stressful and overwhelming at times, but that doesn't mean that you can't do it. Some people are ready to grow up and take on the adventures of adulthood, but for me, I'm struggling between wanting to be eight and wanting to be eighty-five.
This post was pretty long and rambly, but I really like it. It's a real post about my real emotions, and there's nothing to be ashamed about. I usually don't say how I'm feeling, but being able to write my thoughts down is relieving. I don't want to grow up just yet, but for now, I have the fantasy world I've created in my mind and the hope that it will all be okay.
~Maddison
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