Maddison's Musings

I have been medically diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but most days I seem to have it under some sort of control thanks to the medication my doctor has prescribed. Every night I take an antidepressant pill and a pill to help my digestive system/nerves. Sometimes when my anxiety is acting up more than usual, I also have an anxiety medication I can take as needed. To me, these medicines help me live normally. But just because I'm on antidepressants doesn't mean that my depression is gone. Sometimes it pops up unexpectedly, and sometimes it passes after a few hours, but sometimes it lingers, fading in intensity, but getting stronger when I'm alone. That's how I felt today. It's a really strange feeling. All I want to do is cry and sleep and not move. My entire body feels like lead and moving seems impossible. My movements become slow as I mentally have to convince my body to get up, but that doesn't mean it listens right away, or at all. I find myself staring at the wall, not focusing on anything, but just losing myself in my spiraling thoughts. To me, the worst thing about my depression is the lies it tells me. It says I'm alone, I'm worthless, nobody cares, that there's no point, etc. And most of the time, I have no idea why I'm sad, but I just feel overwhelmed with sadness. Of course, sometimes things like old memories can spark a depressive spiral, but today it seemed to just pop up out of the blue. It comes and goes in waves, but it's the worst when I'm alone. When I get really low I get cranky. Everything annoys me and it all seems like too much. It's too loud, too bright, too much. Life seems to be pressing down on you with everything it has, and there's not much you can do. Earlier, I just laid on the couch in a blanket, trying to focus on Parks and Recreation while drifting in and out of a nap. I couldn't move, I couldn't even talk really. I just laid there, hoping someone would just come hug me and tell me everything would be okay. But I don't share my emotions or feelings easily, and when someone asks what's wrong, I usually shrug and say nothing. Sometimes I write, which makes me feel better, but starting is the worst. I have a feelings journal I use where I just write every single thing I'm feeling, and some of it is pretty sad, not gonna lie, but I always feel better after an entry. I don't ever re-read the things I write though, as I know it will just pull me back to the mindset I had while writing.

When I'm not having a depressive episode, I might be feeling intense anxiety, and usually I don't know why. The worst thing is when you're hit with a depressive episode and then anxiety comes along and then you start depersonalizing, and shit just hits the fan, but thankfully, that doesn't happen too often for me. Anxiety is the weirdest thing because you can be fine one minute, and then the next, your mind is somehow shutting down and overworking at the same time. It's like when you try to push a really large/heavy object- it just doesn't work. My anxiety is usually the worst when I wake up, whenever I have to do something new or when my schedule changes, or before I hang out with anyone/interact with a stranger. As I've said, I'm a mess, and anxiety has a tight grip on my life, but I'm still trying to manage it. It's also strange because although I'm scared of a lot of things, I love things that would usually make people nervous, such as concerts, asking people for pictures (I don't know why this doesn't bother me, but asking a Target employee where the matches are does?), adventuring/traveling without a set itinerary (I actively despise a schedule whilst traveling or exploring a city), and public speaking. See, I told you I'm a mess. I actually kind of really like public speaking, but you never heard that from me.. But asking a teacher if I can go to the bathroom? Out of the question, totally not cool, I just can't do it. (Fun fact: I'm a senior in high school and I have never asked to go to the restroom/gone to the restroom in school because I'm too scared to get up and ask the teacher. Also I've always feared that the one time I use a public bathroom, there'd be a fire, lockdown, or some other dramatic event. Also, they're gross.) But despite all of this, I'm still managing. I just take one day at a time and try to remember all of the smaller, happier things. I kind of repress all of these issues (which I doubt is good for me but whatever it works for now) and just focus on the good, because in the end I want to be able to recall all of the happy things, not the sad things.

As I grow older I keep learning new things to help balance out the sadness and fear, and mix a little bit of happiness into my life. I've gone to therapy in the past, although that was more for a different reason, but it didn't help me much mental health wise because I never like to let people know that I'm struggling. I like to project a happy a positive version of myself to the world, even if that's not how I'm feeling. I wouldn't lie to my therapist, per say, but I wouldn't tell the whole truth. The simple "How are you feeling?" was usually followed with an okay and then I would talk about my day. But the one thing therapy did give me was a friend when I needed one the most. I went during the darkest year of my life, and my therapist was one of the only people I could actually talk to, even if I felt uncomfortable, and that alone is one of the main reasons I suggest everyone should try therapy in their lives. There's no shame in feeling emotions and being upset, and that's still something I try to work on. I'm definitely not perfect, and I still have a lot to perfect in my life, but what I do know is that all emotions are valid, and all should be felt without remorse.

Things to do when your mental health acts up:

• Talk to someone you trust
• Hug a pet/animal/pillow/human
• Write it out. Just write everything you're feeling and let it flow onto the paper.
• Distractions are key: read a book, watch your favorite movie/show/YouTube video, listen to music, play a game, practice an instrument, work out
• Take a shower. Even if you just have to sit there and let the water splash around you.
• Take a bath and use a bath bomb if you're into that
• Try out a new makeup look
• Retail therapy if your bank account allows it
• Pamper yourself: paint your nails, put on a face mask, etc
• Sleep it off
• Check out this list of distractions (also embedded below)
• Or this sane masterpost I made a while ago (also embedded below)

Above all else, I really hope you're doing well, and if not, I hope your better days are coming.

~Maddison