I grew up in a fairly religious household in Texas, so coming to terms with the fact that I'm not straight was a long and hard process for me. I think part of me always knew something was different. Many of my friends would talk about crushes they had on boys, and frankly, I just couldn't relate. I didn't really get crushes- or at least I didn't allow myself to say that I thought a girl was pretty. I've always fancied girls, but I never allowed myself to act on anything, mostly claiming I was interested in being their friend more than anything else. It's so strange to me now, looking back on old journal entries and whatnot when I would talk about a girl who I obviously had a crush on, but I would just keep saying what a great friend she was. But the truth was, even though I was so obviously not-straight, I never allowed myself to think I was anything less than straight. I went to church twice a week, had about ten different Bibles, loved the Lord, etc etc. Now, I'm not saying all Christians are homophobic, definitely not, but all the ones I knew growing up were, especially family members. Hell, even I was homophobic as a kid, which really fucked me up, considering I am definitely gay, but we'll get to that later. At one point during my freshman year of high school during one of the youth group topics, homosexuality came up and the church leaders literally said that if anyone was feeling gay they could come to the altar and they would try to pray the gay away, I shit you not. That same night, they even made us sign these little cards that said something along the lines of "I promise to follow Gods plan for marriage: one man, one woman, forever" or some bullshit like that. At that time, I was definitely repressing my sexuality, refusing to believe I was anything but straight. I didn't want to sign the card, but I had a friend who was looking at me expectantly, so I took the pen and signed the damn card. I don't think I've been to church since.
Seeing how most of my extended family is very religious and mostly homophobic, I haven't come out to anyone yet. The only person I've come out to in real life is my mom, and I did it last year accidentally. You see, I wasn't ready to come out, not at all. I had just come out to myself, finally allowing myself to think "hey, maybe it's okay that I'm not straight." I came out to myself November 2015, to my internet friends the same month, then to my mom in January of 2016, and I haven't really come out to anyone else since. Honestly, I'm scared to come out, so I'm just waiting it out. I didn't even mean to come out to my mom, but I had written in a little journal my goals for the year, and one of the goals was to come out as bi to at least one person I knew in real life. I must have left the journal open or something, because my mom found it and questioned me. She was really supportive and whatnot, which was good, but it wasn't the coming out experience I wanted or planned. She just waited until we were alone, said she saw it, and said she loves me no matter what, which was a huge relief, but I wish it had gone differently. I was terrified, and it was kind of shitty. She hasn't told anyone, and neither have I.
I know this post has been a bit sad so far, but I want you to know that in the year and a half that I've had since coming out to myself, I've been so much happier and carefree with who I am. I'm proud that I'm bi, and every time I see pink, purple, and blue together I get elated, even if it has nothing to do with being bi. I can talk about girls easily with the friends I'm out to, and I no longer live in a world full of hatred and self-loathing. One of my favorite hobbies includes looking through old journals in relishing in how gay I was, before I even realized it. A few years ago, I found a box of old things that my mom had kept from elementary school and things, and one of the items in the box was my journal in third grade, where I once wrote a story about two lesbian ladybugs who were in love and traveled the world together, and then another story about me having a girlfriend. When I first saw that, I was mortified. I refused to believe I wrote it and started crying, insisting that I wasn't gay, but now when I read it, I laugh and relish in the fact that my gay ass was being gay way back in third grade. It reminds me of all the times I tried so hard to repress any feelings for girls, and how much I hated myself for that, but now, I love thinking about girls. I remember once, in seventh grade, I had a crush on my friend and I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I just kept telling myself that I wanted to kiss her for practice, so that I was ready when I wanted to kiss a boy. Lol nope, your gay ass just wanted to kiss a girl, dumbass.
I'm so glad that I live in a world where the LGBTQA+ community is thriving. I'm glad that I'm a girl who loves girls. I'm glad that I was able to learn how to accept myself, and stop the cycle of hate I felt towards myself when I was younger. Although in an ideal world, homophobia, or any phobia, wouldn't exist, we have to realize that it does, even in 2017 when the gays are flourishing. I'm proud to be bi, and I won't let anyone tell me otherwise. Online, I'm very open about my sexuality, but it's a different story in real life, and that's okay. Maybe I'll have the courage to come out before I'm walking down the aisle with my wife, but until then, I have the best friends online, and I'm so blessed to have such a strong LGBTQA+ community online as well. Stay safe and stay proud my loves.
~Maddison
Source for the cute lil pride hearts!
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