Time isn't real, but as a society, we have decided that the time between December 31st and January 1st is important. I don't know why. However, I do know that I love hopping on the bandwagon and reflecting on the past year of my life every December. Thankfully, I keep a journal because honestly there's no way I'd remember anything any other way. Even with my journal, I forgot like 95 percent of the things I did this year. Regardless, let's start with some high points: in 2019 I went to 12 concerts, got three new tattoos, made new friends, fell in love with Schitt's Creek, and realized I'm a lesbian. So a big year. But there were also plenty of lows, including realizing that I couldn't actually fulfill my dream of studying abroad in London. Although I will never admit it to my parents (mom if you're reading this skip to the next paragraph or something) I think that staying here worked out okay for me. Hell, if it wasn't for the extremely dark depressive spiral that came from withdrawing from the study abroad program, I wouldn't have started obsessively watching Schitt's Creek as my only source of joy and I wouldn't have made all the new friends I now have. So it's not a total loss.
While looking through my journal, I found it odd just how much I could forget in just a few months. Like I literally forgot that I got three tattoos in March?? Well, they're on my arms and I see them every day so I didn't forget about them in that sense, but more along the lines of I-can't-believe-I've-only-had-them-for-less-than-a-year if that makes sense.
Concert-wise, it makes sense that I've been to the most concerts this year (beating last year by one), but again I found myself wondering how I could have forgotten that I went to some of them. Again, time isn't real and I hate having to acknowledge the passage of it, but sometimes it's cool I guess when you realize just how many concerts you were able to squeeze into a few months
School-wise, not much has changed. Still doing well, but one thing that I was (surprisingly) proud of was the fact that I got my first C ever this semester. If you had told high school me that I would be here today giggling over a C in this history class, I probably would've screamed and accused you of being deranged, but in my defense, high school me was lame. So I got my first C and guess what? I'm still alive. Still standing. Nothing has changed. It's not a big deal. It's not even an important class. It was an online world history course that was set up weird and extremely boring and so I just said fuck it and accepted the C. I could have tried for a B, I really could have, but I didn't want to write the final paper. I took one look at the prompt, realized I had no idea what any of it meant, and just accepted my C while giggling profusely. I think I've reached my academic peak tbh.
Personally, I think 2019 was one of the wildest years. I had some extreme lows but also a lot of good times. I think that looking back now, I'm just focusing on the better parts because that's generally what I like to remember, but even the bad parts don't seem so bad now even though they were Bad at the time, you know? I didn't travel a lot like I thought I would, but I still had a pretty good time and explored new things here.
Also, I don't even know if I ever mentioned it, but like I got an internship this semester? And it's been going really well? I'm the Editor in Chief for UTA's branch of Society 19 and it's really small since it was just me when I started, but now I have two writers and I hope to keep the momentum growing next semester. I know two writers isn't a lot, but considering my anxious ass had to put myself out there and connect with people to get these writers, I'm counting it as a win tbfh. I've also been doing more creative writing this year which makes me so happy. I think I wrote nearly 10k words in the last few months, which doesn't sound like a lot, but also I feel like I'm in a constant state of writer's block, so I'm proud of that. My writing style consists of popping out 7k words over two nights and then hardly writing for weeks/months at a time, so that's definitely something I need to work on, but that's a problem for future Maddison. I'll let her figure that out.
Although I didn't blog as much as usual (I think I skipped like two or three months?), I'm still proud of 2019 as a whole. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, I made new friends, I finally feel at peace with my identity, and I just fucking survived another year. I'm not gonna say that I have high hopes for 2020, but God I really wish it's a good fucking year for all of us. See you on the other side.
~Maddison
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