Coming Out Day Reflections
Sometimes I like to think back on the journey it took for me to be comfortable with my gender and sexuality. Despite an endless amount of journals, I really don’t remember much about high school/the last few years in general, but do I remember the fear, shame, and embarrassment I felt for being queer as I grew up. I remember friends talking about boys and my whole body tensing up. I remember pastors condemning homosexuality. I remember feeling fake and just so so tired. I remember my first English class in college where I wrote an essay about the importance of comprehensive sex education courses in high school. We did a group edit session and I remember saying “I wrote this because it’s something that’s important to me as a gay person” and I kind of held my breath and waited for someone to recoil. But nobody cared and it was so goddamn freeing to sit in a room full of strangers and talk about being gay and not care what they thought. Over time, all the sadness and shame I felt in high school melted away. Nobody gave a fuck in college. I was a goddamn English major with a Women and Gender Studies minor, where most of us in classes were queer. While I always felt safe and supported online, college was the first time I felt that way in person.
However, that whole time, I was never quite comfortable with my sexuality. I identified as bi for the longest time, but I would only ever use the term “gay” if I mentioned my sexuality. Bi didn’t feel right, but I was so uncomfortable with the word “lesbian” that I refused to think of myself as one despite saying things like “I would never marry a man” or even “I can’t see myself dating a man.” I tried to justify it by saying things like “well, I can see myself with a nonbinary person, so that’s why I’m bi.” I wasn’t educated enough to know that lesbians can be attracted to nonbinary people too. I think I refused to think about it because lesbian always seemed like such a dirty word. Like it was something to be ashamed of. So I pushed it out of my mind for as long as I could.
I remember scrolling through twitter towards the end of last year and seeing a thread explaining that yes, lesbians can be attracted to nonbinary people too. It felt like a punch in the gut; the one excuse that I used to identify as bi had been eliminated. I remember dming the person who wrote the thread and asking questions. They were so nice and I remember sitting on my floor and just whispering, “I’m a lesbian” to myself. I felt thrilled. Giddy even. I huffed out a laugh and repeated it, louder this time. “I am a lesbian.” Something about that moment in time just Clicked. Things felt right. I was so fucking relieved. I remember telling my friends and getting such an outpouring of love and support. I wrote in my journal: 12/21/19, 2:35 am. “I’m a lesbian. :) I've been thinking about it for a week or so and kinda struggling with comphet and stuff, but yeah. I'm a lesbian. Feels good. Feels right. Feeling light and happy.”
It’s been a little under a year since the realization and things are good. I’m still trying to figure out the whole gender thing, but knowing I’m a lesbian has brought so much relief into my life. That being said, while I am out and proud online, I'm not fully out to extended family members. Truthfully, I don't ever plan on telling them. If they figure it out, then they figure it out. But I don't think it's safe for me to come out to them. So on this national coming out day, I just want to remind everyone that whether you’re out or not, still figuring things out or secure in who you are, I love you and I support you. You’re valid and loved and remember that you don’t have to come out today if you’re not ready or not in an environment where it’s safe to do so. Take care of yourself first and remember that you can still celebrate from the closet without any shame.
Stay safe my dudes,
~Maddison
