Maddison's Musings

January 2020 started off well. I had black hair and I was a newly realized lesbian. My sweet friend Shelby bought me my first lesbian flag this month and I got to hang out with her and my other friend Abby for a weekend. The sixth and final season of Schitt's Creek started airing in January and I got to hang out with my friend Abby each week as we watched the show live. I also started my final semester of college in January. All-in-all, it was a solid start to the year.

February was probably the only fully normal month of the year. I was busy with school, my senior thesis, socializing, and my editorial internship. I applied for graduation, finished reading all eight books for my senior project, started outlining said project, and continued watching Schitt's each week.

Ah, March. I miss you. Just kidding. March started out okay. My family and I went to New Orleans for a few days during spring break right before all hell broke loose. It was fun and pretty, but it was a road trip, and I'm not a road trip person. Especially when said road trip is over nine hours long. No thank you. Like most schools, UTA gave us a second week of spring break before everything went online. I was fine with online classes, especially since I was an English major, so a lot of it just became "hey read this book/article and do a discussion board with two to three comments." I think I was one of the few people who actually liked online classes, but I also knew that I only had like two months left of school, so I don't think anything could have brought me down too much. I finished my first draft of my senior project and emailed all twenty or so pages to my mentor for her to go over. My cap and gown arrived in March so I tried those on and realized just how close I was to being done with school.

April was a solid month, or at least as solid as it could have been. The series finale of Schitt's Creek aired and I could not have asked for a better ending. April was also the month that my friends and I really started zooming together. I know we all tend to focus on the bad parts of the pandemic, but thanks to zoom, I've been able to hang out with my friends in ways that I never would have thought of before. It definitely made this time feel less lonely and it's something that we still do. We're actually having a little New Year's Eve zoom tonight and I'm just really lucky to have these friends in my life. Despite my mental health rapidly declining in April, I somehow managed to keep up with my school work.

I had six essays due in the first week and a half of May, so needless to say, this month was pretty stressful, but I fucking did it. My senior thesis about Lesbian YA Literature came out to a whopping 33 pages. I think finals week is when being an English major finally catches up to you because you don't have any final exams, but suddenly you have six essays to write (most of them with a seven page minimum) and a week to do it. I also had to make a 10-12 minute PowerPoint video explaining my senior project that I finally worked down to a solid 11 minutes and 58 seconds. Alas, when all was said and done, I was a college graduate. I had an online graduation ceremony through Microsoft Teams on May 15th. I got all dressed up in my cap and gown and everything just to sit in my living room and graduate via a video link. Not gonna lie, I actually kind of loved it. It was short, sweet, and I could have gotten away with wearing pj's under my gown if I was smart enough. Also, my friend Nicole sent me yeast so I could make bread since it was all sold out in stores.

June might be one of my favorite months of 2020 for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I got a girlfriend in June. Also, it was Pride month and my journal theme was lesbianism. Quite iconic, if I do say so myself. I spent a lot of June pining and yearning. I would write gay little journal entries about my now-girlfriend about how cute she was and how much I wanted her to like me back, but I didn't do anything about it for a while. I simply pined loudly on Twitter and hoped that she would get the hint (she didn't). I can't even remember what spurred it on, but I remember just needing her to know, so like any fully capable adult, I told her how I felt.* Then we started being extremely gay and flirty on twitter for a few days until she sent me the iconic text "so like we gonna be gf or not." The rest is very gay history.

*Okay so it was like midnight and I sent her a rambly dm on discord (so I could delete it if she didn't see it) and ended it with a very chaotic TikTok and then I turned my phone off and panic applied to grad school, but at least I fucking did it.

I spent a lot of July watching Cutthroat Kitchen. Something about watching Alton Brown sell sabotages to chefs just felt really in line with 2020. I also flew out to Philly in July and hung out with Megan for a few days. We went on a cute little picnic date (where I absolutely did not get motion sick on the drive to the park) and sat at a bench under a tree and saw a really weird looking bug that refused to die. We only had like four days together and it went by really fast, but I loved every second with her. Perhaps I cried in the airport bathroom after buying a Ginger Ale. So what if I did.

I feel like August was a roller coaster, which says a lot about that month. I spent a solid 20 days out of that month extremely anxious according to my mood tracker. Remember in June when I said I applied to grad school? Well, I had gotten in. And for some reason I was fully ready to do it, but then August came around and tuition was due and I realized I didn't really want to go into debt just yet so I dropped out before the semester started. In my defense, I had applied for a master's in social work after having taken zero social work classes, so perhaps it's for the best that I didn't go through with that. I also didn't go through with a family vacation to Seattle because I thought it was a bad idea with Covid still happening and just for my mental health in general. So I stayed home and took people to and from the airport and then got my nose pierced while everyone was gone without saying anything. August was one of my worst mental health months this year, so I finally did something about it and started going to therapy again. I usually go into the office and then get a (decaf) coffee on my way home and it's been good so far. I'm really glad I decided to reach out and get help again.

Not going to lie, not a lot happened in September. It was the first time that I kind of just sat back and watched everyone else go back to school while I sat at home and tried to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. However, one solid highlight from this month didn't even have anything to do with me but it still made me incredibly happy: Schitt's Creek swept the first hour of the Emmy's and won every single comedy award. There's something so special about that moment and I just remember sitting on the couch and watching the awards and live tweeting with my friends and everyone just kind of being like "I can't believe this is happening." I also took a six week novel writing class about characterization that started in September that really got me interested in writing again.

Okay maybe I lied about June being my favorite month of the year. October was just so good. Not because I turned 22, because fuck getting older and still not knowing what to do with your life, but because I got to see Megan again. Also because generally, October is usually my favorite month of the year and I refused to let a global pandemic stop me from enjoying the month. I voted early in the presidential election, got like three free birthday coffees at various coffeeshops, and spent a lot of time chilling. This time when Megan and I got together, we had nearly a full week together. We went to a pumpkin patch one day and got little pumpkins that we painted to look like David and Patrick from Schitt's Creek. We got matching t-shirts and walked around arm-in-arm and it was just so soft and good. We finished watching all of the Twilight movies and it really goes to show just how in love with her I am that I watched even one movie, let alone FIVE. I still cannot tell you what they were about because I have no fucking clue. We also went to a really cute flower shop one of the days and bought each other flowers. She's just the best person I know and I'm so fucking lucky and glad that we got nearly a whole week together.

Like most fools, I went into November with the hopes of doing National Novel Writing Month (aka NaNoWriMo). I think I wrote 2,000 words total before I gave up. Perhaps I'm just not destined to write that gay spy novel that's fully planned out in my mind. I've been working on it since high school but I always seem to stop for one reason or another. Oh well. So I didn't write a novel in November, but it's okay because at least Trump lost the election. I also tried camping for a day in November, but then I had no cell service and I found a bug in my bra, so I came home early and just bought the Sims 4 camping pack.

And we've made it all the way to December. I truly have no idea what I did this month, but that's okay. I spent a lot of time playing sims or chilling. I started writing a new novel that's more fic-like but with oc's, so it's going to be gay and good. I tend to write on my phone after taking my melatonin and before passing out for the night so who knows if it's any good or not, but I'm having fun. I had a fairly good Christmas and I got some solid gifts. I reached the six month mark with my girlfriend, which is absolutely wild to me, but I'm so fucking thankful. I don't have much planned for the rest of the night except to try my hardest to get my room clean. I washed my bed and it's raining outside so I'm feeling good. I'm hopeful for 2021. Probably in a too idealistic way, but I don't care. I've always enjoyed the feeling of hope that comes with a new year, so here's hoping to a kinder and gentler 2021.

I know this year has been a lot, but there was also a lot of good that happened, at least for me. If you've made it this far, I hope you know that I love you and I'm sending you the best vibes for the new year.

For the last time in 2020, stay safe, wear your mask, and stay home if possible. <3

~Maddison