Maddison's Musings

Hi friends. It's been a while, huh. I could give any number of excuses for why I haven't written anything in months, but honestly, life got me. For a while. I lost interest in blogging my silly little thoughts to the world. I've had this blog for nearly 10 years now, and I thought I had exhausted every thought I had. Also, I tried moving my blog around a few times and I lost every post but two from 2021-2022 so I figured I should quit while I'm ahead and just retire this blog and never post again, but as I was moving hosting sites and trying to import and save the years of content on here, I realized that this little part of the internet is special to me. I started this blog right before my freshman year of high school and it's seen me through high school, college, moving across the country multiple times, corona, grad school, and so many moments of self-discovery. So, although a few posts are missing from the last two years, I can't just give up on this site. I don't need to pressure myself to post consistently or make things super aesthetic and Pinterest-worthy to keep up this little online journal. Sometimes I just need a place to type out my thoughts, even if nobody else in the world will see them. I want to get back to the real reason I started blogging in the first place: to share my thoughts in my own little corner of the internet and to have fun. To motivate me to write about anything and everything. To pretend to be deep and philosophical as I muse about my life. Or even just to talk about books I really like. I don't have a solid plan for what the future of the blog looks like. I just want to go with the flow.

All that being said, let's have a small little life update for the last few years. I got a shortened version of my senior thesis on lesbian young adult literature published in an Intro to LGBTQ+ Studies textbook (which can be read for free online here if you would like to check that out (I'm the second profile)). Last October, I finally got out of Texas and moved into an apartment in Pennsylvania with my partner (then girlfriend, now fiancée(!!)). I shipped 25 boxes of belongings, shipped my car, and arrived in PA with two suitcases and a backpack. Thankfully, transferring jobs was easy, so I still work at Starbucks, and I became an official Coffee Master back in March. I was in grad school for a while. I thought about becoming a teacher, but I didn't vibe with my first early elementary program, and I dropped out before I switched to a secondary English program. I figured my general appreciation for school would translate into a life of teaching, but then I realized just how much work teaching is, and it wasn't something I was passionate enough about to pursue. Also, the thought of being a public school teacher in America is quite honestly terrifying, so I'd rather take my chances just vibing in this world without knowing what I'm supposed to do while I'm here. It's a bit existential, but I think that's just part of being alive. I enjoy being a silly little gay barista for now, so that's what I'm going to do.

The last month threw so many curveballs my way that the only way I know how to talk about it is to just say everything at once. I proposed to my partner, and we picked out our own engagement rings and I love her so much it's insane. I was impatient and ended up proposing with a ring I bought for her years ago the night that we decided to buy our rings for each other. We told our friends about our engagement the day her actual ring arrived. 

The joy of our engagement was quickly overshadowed by the passing of my grandfather the next morning. My mom called me that morning and somehow, I just knew before she even had to tell me. It's weird when your parent has to call you to tell you that their parent has died. I felt the need to comfort her in her loss although I had lost too. The thing is, I haven't had the best relationship with my grandfather in the last few years. And when I found out that he passed, I didn't really feel anything. It wasn't until my mom or my grandma said that he really loved me that I first broke because my first thought was "Are you sure?" I doubt you want to hear a long and at times traumatic backstory, but the long story short is simply that I did not grow up in a very queer-positive environment. My family was religious, and I was always terrified of coming out or letting anyone in, so I didn't. I pushed nearly every family member away as an act of self-protection. They couldn't reject me or hurt me if I rejected them first and didn't allow anyone in. I haven't visited my family in Seattle since 2019 because of this fear and also because of covid, but mostly out of fear. Everyone (I assume) knows I'm gay (it's hard to move across the country to live with your girlfriend without telling your grandma why you want to move to Pennsylvania of all places lol), and this year, after a lot of therapy and self-reflection, I finally felt like I was ready to return to Seattle and stop pushing everyone away. I booked my tickets back in April. My grandfather died three weeks later in May. 

It's been a lot to process, and some days the grief hits me harder than others, but for the most part, I'm doing alright. I've been writing a few things lately. Mostly just grief rambling like this as I try to process my thoughts and feelings. But I've had glimpses of creative strikes to bring me hope that maybe someday I can get back to creative writing, even if it's just for me and nobody else ever sees it. I'm hoping that reviving this blog pushes me to get back to a writing mindset, but I'm not trying to put any pressure on myself in case the inkling of creativity is shy and decides to abandon me if I push it too hard. Dropping out of grad school helped. I'm reading more and I'm trying to enjoy each day as it is. We'll see if this revival lasts. If you made it this far, know that you have all my love.

Talk to you soon (hopefully),

~Maddison